Once you round second base with a mermaid you will become acutely aware that their lower half is still that of a fish. Finely toned upper bodies and long flowing hair BUT take this into account. You might say, but Lisa, there are so many COOL sea creatures. Henderson, he’ll tell you that he’s really just a gentle giant.
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Now, land may have Bigfoot to worry about, but he seems to be more afraid of us – plus he’s blurry and if you ask Mr. What’s even creepier is you can’t see them coming. Nessy, narwhals, giant squid, Ursula and creepily intelligent dolphins named Linku all pose a threat in the sea. Also, if you’re Nicole Kidman and you’re trying to get over the loss of your child, it’s inevitable that a crazy f is going to try to kill you. People have to do really awful things when lost at sea like drink their own pee, kill turtles and suck out their blood or sell sand for everyday goods. Anyway, it’s much harder to survive being lost at sea.
That’s one point in the smart category for me even though I did major in communications…minus one smart point…damn, back at 0. Yes, I googled who said it, but I actually did know that quote. “Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge If you’re not crying right now, you have no soul. You know how I can make myself cry on command? I think of that scene where Shadow is stuck in the pit by the railroad and he can’t get out because it’s too muddy and he says “go on, Chance, I’m too old,” and he puts his head down in the mud. If Chance, Shadow and Sassy can do it, you too can survive in the wilderness. You might even meet a really cool volleyball that you form a really strong bond with. You might meet a French woman who starts out weird, but turns out to be pretty cool. You might get lost on an island that is still conveniently getting food dropped from the sky. There are a number of cool things that can happen to you. On land, you can have a party where you invite Journey (the old one, not the new one with the creepy guy) wear tank-tops, drink Mountain Dew, and have John Stamos as the MC and John will for sure not show up. I have, however, saved the best for last. If those things don’t convince you, I don’t know what will. Let me just name some things you can do on land that you can’t do at sea.
I was a selective mute for 5 years after that. It all started when my bumper boat ran out of gas and people mercilessly bludgeoned my useless raft only to laugh maniacally as a 10-year-old Lisa desperately clung to life. I think he’s working as one of the trapeze men that they have for their nightly shows or something like that. As you may know, John is off at sea on the Epic. Well, I’m still here in Seattle and I haven’t started cutting or giving into the hipster-clothing trend. You’re in luck my friend – Lisa and John are back. It’s times like these that we need something consistent, something reliable, something mindless and dull. We’re invading Libya, there’s been a disastrous earthquake and tsunami in Japan, Victoria Beckham is pregnant again, I can’t get that stupid Friday song by Elizabeth Black out of my head and Charlie Sheen is one of the most successful addicts of our time.